Partners of Sex Addicts
Have you recently discovered that your partner has compulsive sexual behavior?
Does your partner have a pornography addiction?
Do you feel isolated in your efforts to cope with and comprehend the situation?
As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST), Certified Partner Betrayal Therapist (CPPT), Certified Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPT), and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), I am here to support you in your journey of healing and post-traumatic growth after the discovery or disclosure of an affair or sex addiction. You are not alone in this.
The discovery of your partner’s sexual addiction can destroy your foundation and dreams of your relationship and marriage, breaking apart the meaningful life that you built together. The partner faces a double bind of betrayal of a sex addict due to the complexity of affairs, infidelity, deception, hidden secrets, and the painful realization of their partner’s compulsive sexual addiction. The partner of a sex addict experiences PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms in response to the traumatic discovery that can have long-lasting traumatic effects. Most partners of sexual addicts respond to revelation with substantial trauma symptoms.
Signs & Symptoms
- Intense emotions, including anger, anxiety, sadness, jealousy, hypervigilance, rage, insecurity, depression, suspicion, and paranoia
- Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms
- Emotional dysregulation, including numerous mood shifts, over-the-top emotional reactions, anger, and tearfulness
- Experiences of love and a desire to work it out with a partner
- Hypervigilant behaviors searching for evidence, including checking emails, cell phone voicemails, apps, texts, and credit card bills
- Anxiety, depression, low self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence
- Lack of trust leads to trauma triggers, including when a partner comes home late, suddenly turns off their cell phone or computer, has a wandering eye towards another person, and flirtatious behavior
- Insomnia, sleep disturbance, and nightmares
- Difficulty focusing on the present moment and here and now
- Trying to over-please partner/spouse by dieting and exercising, dressing sexy, cooking extravagant meals, and catering to their wants and desires
- Intrusive and ruminating thoughts and obsessive thinking
- Pretending the sexual betrayals never happened
- Escapism behaviors, including indulging in avoiding the reality of the betrayal, alcohol and substance use, promiscuous sex, disordered eating, shopping, and attention-seeking
Partners of Sex Addicts Need to Know
Your Intuition Is On Point
If something is not quite right, it is probably true. You can trust your instincts. If your partner turns it around and states that you are crazy, realize that they are gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser makes the victim doubt their own sanity or perception. This makes you doubt your intuition and feel like you are crazy or that it is your fault, liberating them of the guilt of their behavior.
Your World is Turned Upside Down
The discovery that your partner/spouse has a sexual addiction is devastating, causing you to question your self-worth, attractiveness, the relationship/marriage, your judgment in choosing your partner/spouse, the time you invested into this relationship/marriage, the trust in the connection that you provided, and the life that you have built together.
It Is Not Your Fault
It’s important to remember that your partner’s sexual addiction is not your fault. It’s not because you’re not beautiful, intelligent, or successful. It’s not because of anything you’ve done. You are good enough, just as you are.
It Is Your Partner’s Responsibility for Their Recovery
Your partner is the one who must take responsibility for their sexual addiction recovery. They are the ones who must put in the effort to recover. It is a choice that only they can make. The recovery process may involve therapy, support groups, and lifestyle changes. It would be best to let go of controlling the recovery outcome because you cannot predict what will manifest from the recovery process. It is up to your partner/spouse to break free of their sexual addiction and compulsive behaviors. It is best to focus on your recovery as the partner of the sex addict.
Empower yourself by prioritizing self-care and recovery from the trauma. This is your journey, and you have the strength to heal and grow from this experience.
Be compassionate with yourself and provide self-care throughout the healing process. You have experienced a significant trauma that has caused devastation in your life. Your world has been completely shattered, and everything you believed in has broken. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn the damage caused by this shocking discovery and the loss of your original relationship/marriage. If you want to reconcile and work on the relationship, realize that the original relationship and marriage are over, and a new relationship will need to be created. Rebuilding the trust will be challenging, and both partners must be committed to working together to create a new relationship/marriage built on a foundation of honesty and transparency.
Reach Out Today
I can offer you the necessary guidance, healing, and hope as you navigate the distress of your partner/spouse’s sexual addiction. I am here to support you during this painful and challenging process. Please reach out to me today. I will explain the benefits of therapy for partners of sexual addicts, which can be a crucial part of your therapeutic healing and recovery journey.
